


Be Alright

by Yiffandquiff (princesslexi763)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Heavy Angst, Implied Cheating, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 14:05:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18801841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princesslexi763/pseuds/Yiffandquiff
Summary: There is a darker side behind the hiatus and the ending of Dan and Phil games…one that Dan and Phil never showed.Title from Be Alright by Dean Lewis





	Be Alright

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Implied/referenced cheating, swearing, unhappy ending

“Dan didn’t want to come up with you for Christmas?”

Phil finds himself looking up from his plate of cookies to see his mum standing up on the other side of the counter, waiting for his answer.

“Dan and I aren’t together anymore.”

There is a deafening silence.

The words always hurt the more and more he says them. He tries to pretend that his eyes don’t water and his body doesn’t feel heavy whenever he says them. But the truth was that he felt as if this was something that he would never be able to get over. It’s been nearly a month and he still finds it hard to say those words.

His mum looks at him. “Phil, what do you mean?”

Phil shrugs and looks back down. “Exactly what I said.” He says with a tinge of edge in his voice. “Dan and I broke up…”

“Oh, Phil!”

Suddenly his mum is on his side and wrapping a set of arms around him. He feels like this is an acceptable time to let go of a few stray tears. So he lets a few slide down his cheek and drip onto his shirt.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” His mum asks carefully.

Phil shrugs again. “Didn’t really wanna talk about it.”

His mum pulled away from him and he turns to face her. Her expression is quite sad, which is another reason why didn’t want to say anything to her. He knew she would be upset. He knew she would be disappointed.

“Well, are you okay?” She asks carefully.

Phil looks up at her and fakes a smile. “I’m getting there.”

“Are you sure?” She says, pressing a little bit. “I don’t want you to go through this alone, you know?”

Phil nods. “I know, mum.” He says. “But I’m okay right now. PJ and Sophie helped quite a bit.”

Her hand smoothly strokes over Phil’s arm. “As long as you’re okay, sweetie.” She says. “But if you want to talk about it, I’ll be here for you.”

“Thank you.”

And Phil means that too.

He’s so glad he has a supportive family to help him through this difficult time.

***

“How are you doing, bear?”

Dan peaks up over the top of the blankets that he’s been hoarded in for the last few days since he’s been home.

He doesn’t respond. He lets his puffy red eyes talk for him.

He thought coming home would make it so it hurt less than being in the apartment with Phil. But it doesn’t. It hurts more.

It hurts more because he misses Phil. He misses him a lot and the worse part about it is that he doesn’t miss Phil as a person. He misses Phil’s presence and Phil’s attention to him.

But he’s fucked up good and now he won’t have it anymore come the first of the year…Phil’s already been looking for new flats.

He hates how they had to keep this a secret from their fans. He hates that this is the reason why this was the last Phil is not on fire. He hates that this is the reason for their gaming channel hiatus—because they have to decide how to continue the channel without them living together now.

It hurts.

It really _fucking_ hurts.

And it’s all because of him. All because he was an asshole—a stupid _fucking_ asshole.

He hasn’t realized that he’s not said anything to answer his mum until he opens his eyes and finds her staring at him.

“Daniel, please.” She pleads. “It’s Christmas morning and you haven’t even come down to open your gifts.”

“I’m not sure I want them…”

“Daniel, I know it’s been hard but your father and I would really love for you to come down.” She pauses. “Adrian also has a gift for you that he’s really excited for you to open.”

Dan contemplates her words and lets them comb around in his head. He finally decides that he should do this. Not because he wants to. But because he feels like he should now.

He tosses back his blanket and sits up in bed. His mum moves away so he can get up. He grabs his phone on the way and follows her down, the weight of the world making him feel like he could collapse.

***

“What are you going to do with your flat?”

Phil looks up over the glass of his drink at Martyn and sighs. “Dan’s keeping it.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Probably move out to somewhere else in London.”

“Do you already have a flat ready?”

Phil shook his head. “No.”

“And why not?”

Phil shrugs. He picks up his glass and takes a sip of the eggnog that his mum had poured for him and Martyn just a few moments before that.  
He avoids the question by grabbing a cookie from the tin and taking a bite, letting the crumbs fall to the counter top.

“Phil…”

“Martyn, just…don’t.” Phil says, reaching up and squeezing the bridge of his nose between his fingers.

“It’s a solid question.” Martyn pressed harder. “You can’t avoid this and put it off.”

“I’m not.”

“Phil, you’ve been broken up with Dan for over a month now.” Martyn says, his words blunt. “You can’t expect to live with him forever.”

“Says who.”

“Oh come off it, Phil! That’s ridiculous and _you_ know it.”

“Can you just shut up for a second!” Phil snaps.

The room around them is so quiet you could hear a pin drop and the air was so thick he could feel it. When he looks up at Martyn, he can see Martyn is averting his gaze and turning his head away from him.

“Martyn,” Phil begins, “I’m so sorry. I’m…I don’t want to talk about it.”

Martyn nods back at him and stands up, grabbing his own glass. He walks out of the room and Phil is left sitting there with frustrated tears coming to his eyes as he forced himself to hold back.

***

“You know, I never thought I’d ever experience this.”

Dan is staring across the lake as Adrian sits beside him and Colin runs into the water.

“Experience what?”

“This break up.” Dan says simply.

Adrian turns to him and bites in the corner of his lip. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Dan nodded. “I think I have to.”

Adrian waited and Dan could see he was waiting so he finally spoke again.

“I was the one who fucked up.” He says. “And I have so much _guilt_ because of it.”

Adrian remains sitting quietly.

“I literally just…” Dan sighs as he continues. “I just hate what I did. I have to live with seeing Phil every day, looking at me, as he tries to hold back tears. I fucked it up so badly, Adrian. I’m not sure I can ever fix it.”

There are tears coming to his eyes and he wipes them away.

“Do you want to fix it?” Adrian asks.

Dan nods without hesitation. “I love Phil so much.” He says. “I never wanted to hurt him. I was so _stupid_ and I can’t stop kicking myself over it.”

“What did you do?” Adrian asked, peering out over the lake where Colin was now running through the water again and splashing around.

“I…” Dan stops and lets a few tears fall from his eyes as he squeezes them tight. “I slept with a guy that I met online.”

***

“It’s not the fact that he slept with him,” Phil says as he wipes the tears from his cheek, “It’s the feeling of betrayal.” He tries to hold back a sob in front of his mum, afraid he was upsetting her. But he couldn’t hold back anymore. “Was I not good enough anymore? Did I not give him what he wanted?”

“Oh, baby.” His mum cooed, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him to her chest. “Sometimes, people do things that hurt.” She said gently. “And sometimes you wish and wish and wish you could know why they did what they did. But sometimes, it’s okay to not know. It’s okay to wish and to wonder what happened.”

“It hurts.” Phil croaked out, letting a sob retch out of his throat as a new fresh dam of tears broke through and soaked his skin. He turned and pressed his face in his mum’s shoulder, hiding it from her view.

“I know it does.” She says. “It’s going to hurt for a while. But you’re strong, dear. You’re going to get through this and me, your father, and Martyn will all be standing by you.”

Phil sniffled before he let out another pained sob that followed with another round of tears. “I loved him.” Phil manages to get out. “Do you think it’s because I waited so long to propose?”

His mum pulled away and stared into his eyes, her own features going soft. “Don’t blame yourself for the mistakes of others. What Dan did was something he consciously made the decision to do. It has nothing to do with you and there is no reason for you to beat yourself up over it.”

He sat back on the couch where they were sitting and reached up, wiping the tears from his cheek with the back of his sleeve. When he peers over his mums shoulder, he sees Martyn standing in the doorway, looking down at the floor. He turns his stare away and feels the touch of his mum’s hand on his arm.

His phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out. It’s a text from Dan.

_Can you talk?_

****

Dan knew it was stupid to text Phil. They’d spoken probably five words to each other in the last week and surely he’s not going to want to speak to him. That’s pretty obvious.

But Phil does answer.

_Why?_

Dan bites his lip to hold back the tears that are already beginning. He’s alone in his childhood room, sitting on the bed like his teenage self used to do, and he’s been hyping himself up to text Phil since he spoke with Adrian.

_I think we should talk. We haven’t spoken probably._

It only takes a few moments for the three bubble to pop up and then disappear or a moment. His heart flips in his chest and then his phone buzzes. _Phil Lester would like to Facetime._

Dan quickly reaches for his AirPods and puts them in as he clicks accept and waits for Phil to show up on his screen. When he does, Dan tries to ignore the puffy, clearly bloodshot eyes that Phil has.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Phil answers, his voice raspy.

Dan sucks his lips into a straight line. He let’s them go. “How was your Christmas?”

“What do you think?” Phil snaps, his voice tight and drawn.

The tone of Phil’s voice catches Dan off guard. He didn’t expect that level of harshness from Phil, but it is warranted. He did fuck up a bunch and Phil has every right to act the way he has been.

“Phil,” Dan begins. “I want you to know that I...”

“No.” Phil interrupts him, shaking his head. His eyes glisten and Dan feels the overwhelming feeling of his own tears bubbling up and threatening to spill over. “You don’t get to do that.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say.”

“You were going to say that you still loved me.” Phil says, a clear break in his voice.

Dan feels the tears spill out his skin and he breathes in a shuttering breath. “Because I do, Phil. I love you so much.”

“Then why did you sleep with him?” Phil asks.

Dan looked away from his phone to stare up at the ceiling. He squeezed his eyes shut, letting a few more tears fall out before he tipped his head back down. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, well that’s a _fucking_ refreshing answer.” Phil bit out. “You mean to tell me that you don’t even know why you spread your _fucking_ legs like some...”

“Phil stop!” Dan cried out, feeling the sobs catch in his throat. “Please don’t say that. You don’t mean that.”

“What else do you want me to say?” Phil asked. “You went out and fucked some guy. _You_ cheated on me. _You’re_ the one who ruined our relationship.”

“I...”

“Do you remember what you said to me the night you told me?” Phil continued as Dan struggled to hold back the sobs that were forcing their way out of his mouth as he covered them with his hand. “You told me that it didn’t mean anything. You said that you never meant to do it. So then why did you? Why did you go out and sleep with him, Dan? Was I not good enough anymore?”

Phil broke at the last word and Dan tried to drown out the sounds of his sobs from his ears. They felt like hundreds of bullets hitting his skin all at the same time. They hurt.

Between them both, they cried until their sobbing drew less and less. By the time Dan got around to answering, his chest hurt and he had a throbbing headache and just wanted to sleep.

“We were just getting back from tour...I was stressed, you were stressed.” Dan stopped and swallowed back any more sobs he was struggling to hold back. “You and I both know we weren’t good.”

“So you went out and found someone else.”

“That’s not what happened.” Dan countered. “I never meant to do that.”

“You don’t accidentally fall onto another mans dick.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Dan cried. “You know I would never hurt you.”

“You hurt me pretty damn bad.”

“I know, and I’ll never have the words to say how sorry I am.”

There is a silence between them.

“When are you going home to the flat?”

Dan looked down at his lap. “Tomorrow.”

“I’ll be home Friday.” Phil says. “I’ll be packing my things and leaving to stay with Martyn until I find a flat.”

Dan feels his chin wobble. He barely manages out a simple, “Okay.”

“We should try and talk to each other...face to face...before I go.” Phil says. “I think we need some closure. It’s clear we’re both in pretty bad shape.”

Dan lets out a chuckle. “We’re a mess.”

Phil laughs a little bit too.

“I’m gonna go now.” Phil says. “I’ll see you later.”

Dan doesn’t even have time to say anything before Phil hangs up and he’s left staring at a black screen.

He let’s out a sigh and throws his phone on the side of his bed.

****

Phil twists his key into the flat, trying to ignore how his heart hurts at how this might be the last time he’ll ever do this.

When he walks in, he notices how everything looks exactly the same—as it should—but also how everything looks so foreign to him as well. This doesn’t look like his flat anymore. It looks like a strange place he’s never been in before.

Dan is in their lounge. He’s sitting on their couch with his legs crossed and his laptop on his thighs. He doesn’t look up when Phil walks in but Phil knows he needs to talk to him. But the hurt he can feel in his chest as he sees the way Dan’s ignoring any gaze towards him cuts deep.

“I packed some of your clothes already.” Dan’s voice says. “But I didn’t end up doing much.”

Phil nods slowly.

He doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to go into their bedroom and pack up his life. He doesn’t want this. This wasn’t how his life was supposed to go. He was supposed to propose to Dan on Christmas. He was supposed to celebrate how happy he was with Dan. They were supposed to be planning a wedding, adopting a dog, and possibly even talking about children.

He’s not ready to give that all up yet...but he has to.

A part of his mind is telling him to just run, but another part is telling him to talk to Dan.

“Can we talk?”

The later wins out.

Dan looks up and nods. “Yeah, I think we should.”

Phil walks over to the couch and takes a seat next to Dan, but still far away where they aren’t touching.

“I don’t want to do this.” Phil says, shaking his head. “I don’t want to move out. I don’t want to pack up my things.” He pauses. “I don’t want to _lose_ you.”

Dan pushed his laptop away and sat up straight. “You don’t have to lose me.” He says. “I’m right here.”

“I’ve already lost you...I lost you the day you decided to sleep with that guy.”

“You never lost me.” Dan said, his voice soft.

“Don’t make this harder than how it has to be.” Phil says.

“You don’t know how much it hurts me,” Dan says. “How much it actually kills me inside that I did what I did. I was such a _fucking_ idiot. I’ll never forgive myself for it. I’ll never forgive myself for being the reason for your pain and for us ending. You gave me the best ten years of my entire life and I’ll never find someone like you.”

“I’ll never find someone like you either.” Phil croaks. He reaches up and rubs under his eyes to catch the moisture that is beginning. “I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.”

“I’ll never stop loving you.” Dan says. “You were my first love. You gave me everything I could have ever wanted...and I threw it away.”

When Phil finally looks at Dan, he can see Dan’s chin wobbling and his eyes are glassed over, struggling to hold back tears. Without thinking, he reaches out, and places his hand on Dan’s cheek, trying to steady him. Dan leans into the touch as his face scrunches up and tears leak out.

Phil leans in. He doesn’t know why he does. But he does. And suddenly he’s kissing Dan, feeling the wetness on Dan’s lips from his tears. Dan reciprocates the kiss with no hesitation. They shouldn’t be doing this. They’re meant to be broken up but it happens anyway.

And before either of them can realize what they’re doing, they’re naked and tangled together on the couch, Dan’s moans filling the room along with the sound of skin against skin. It’s vulgar, and it feels wrong. But at the same time, it feels _right._

When it’s over, Dan is curled up on their couch, his eyes shut as he falls asleep. Phil takes one look down at him and feels the tears rush down his cheeks again. He gathers his clothing from the floor and re-dresses himself. As Dan’s soft breaths fill into the room, he walks slowly into the bedroom and grabs one of the boxes that Dan has already filled. On the outside in Dan’s chicken-scratch writing, it says ‘Phils’.

He carries it out of the bedroom and when he walks into the living room, Dan is sitting up on the couch, pulling a shirt on and pulling his pants back on. Phil doesn’t say anything to him, but given the way Dan’s chest is heaving and he’s squeezing his eyes shut says enough.

He opens the door to the flat and walks out, shutting the door behind him. Martyn is stood on the other side, playing on his phone. He looks up at Phil and lets out a sigh. “Are you okay?” He asks gently, putting his arm around Phil’s shoulders.

Phil just shakes his head, carrying the lone box in his hands. He’s not even sure what clothing of his is packed inside. Martyn gives him a sympathetic look as he removes his arm from around him and takes the box from Phil’s shaking arms.

“Let’s just go sit down for a little bit okay?” Martyn says. “We can grab the rest later.”

Phil just nods, and wraps his arms around himself as he sniffles and follows Martyn to the elevator.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to leave kudos or comment! my tumblr is @yiffandquiff


End file.
